Revitalization's Weblog
For the curious, questioning, and wandering soulArchive for outdoors
Heavy
My mind is heavy, it’s weary even in its youth. Weighed down by tired thoughts that seem to stream through on repeat again, and again. It’s as if my mind is a junkyard, filled with dust and debris scattered here and there. On one side there’s a stack of cars, piled perhaps 10 high, flattened and weathered with worn tires from the miles they traveled, from the world they have seen. On the other, broken and forgotten pieces of home, buried toys of a childhood that is long gone.
Hallelujah
I close my eyes, I feel my breath. I feel my chest rise and fall, my heart beats calmly. I listen to the melody, I bask in the beauty. I see the ocean, I see the sky and the clouds. I see the waves roll in, blue water washing ashore. I feel the sun, warm and strong. I feel it in my bones. I feel connected, I feel in place, I feel a part. All is right with the world, in this moment, all is right. I peer out, as far as the eye can see, nothing but blue skies and ocean stretching across the horizon. And in this moment, that’s all there is. Hallelujah
Life moves with the waves
The sea is wondrous. Teeming with life, constantly and forever moving. Life moves with the waves, with the surges, with the crashes. The ocean, with such vastness, stretches around this earth, with its deep blues, teal greens, and foamy whites, with its mystery in inky black crevasses, with such power as it surges to touch the sky. As the moon tugs upon its waters, the creatures swim with such radiance and artistry, simply looking for survival. And the whales! Oh how I love the whales, such grandiose and majestic creatures, singing deep songs that echo for miles and miles. Yes, the ocean is wonderful and powerful, deep and wise, living, breathing, and forever moving.
Golden
Sunshine poured down from above, golden honey, glorious luminance, bathing stretches of vibrant green, alive with life. Dense and robust, the fields greedily soaked in the light, stretching upwards and upwards, reaching for the sky.
until my eyes lose you
Would you just stop and pause? It makes me so frustrated when you speed through the days. It makes me so angry, it makes me clench my fists when you steam ahead, leaving behind a blurry trail. It makes me stomp and cry out. You, like lava pouring down a mountainside, unstoppable. You, like a speeding train, accelerating and accelerating, broken brakes. You, whirlwind. You…. you’re leaving. you’re getting further away. you’re already disappearing into the horizon, getting smaller and smaller, until my eyes lose you. You’re far. You’ve left me behind, you’ve forgotten. How? How could you have possibly let me go, how could you let me slip from your grasp, so smooth. You’re far and I’m here, crumpled cardboard cut-out. Gazing at the surrounding vastness.
Living Like Weasels
I’ve always loved Annie Dillard’s language. It’s so powerful, and Living Like Weasels truly a beautiful piece of literature. Here are my favorite excerpts:
“Weasel! I’d never seen one wild before. He was ten inches long, thin as a curve, a muscled ribbon, brown as fruitwood, soft-furred, alert. His face was fierce, small and pointed as a lizard’s; he would have made a good arrowhead. There was just a dot of chin, maybe two brown hairs’ worth, and then the pure white fur began that spread down his underside. He had two black eyes I didn’t see, any more than you see a window.
The weasel was stunned into stillness as he was emerging from beneath an enormous shaggy wild rose bush four feet away. I was stunned into stillness twisted backward on the tree trunk. Our eyes locked, and someone threw away the key.
Our look was as if two lovers, or deadly enemies, met unexpectedly on an overgrown path when each had been thinking of something else: a clearing blow to the gut. It was also a bright blow to the brain, or a sudden beating of brains, with all the charge and intimate grate of rubbed balloons. It emptied our lungs. It felled the forest, moved the fields, and drained the pond; the world dismantled and tumbled into that black hole of eyes. If you and I looked at each other that way, our skulls would split and drop to our shoulders. But we don’t. We keep our skulls. So.
He disappeared. This was only last week, and already I don’t remember what shattered the enchantment. I think I blinked, I think I retrieved my brain from the weasel’s brain, and tried to memorize what I was seeing, and the weasel felt the yank of separation, the careening splash-down into real life and the urgent current of instinct. He vanished under the wild rose. I waited motionless, my mind suddenly full of data and my spirit with pleadings, but he didn’t return.”
And later she writes….
“We could, you know. We can live any way we want. People take vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience–even of silence–by choice. The thing is to stalk your calling in a certain skilled and supple way, to locate the most tender and live spot and plug into that pulse. This is yielding, not fighting. A weasel doesn’t “attack” anything; a weasel lives as he’s meant to, yielding at every moment to the perfect freedom of single necessity.
I think it would be well, and proper, and obedient, and pure, to grasp your one necessity and not let it go, to dangle from it limp wherever it takes you. Then even death, where you’re going no matter how you live, cannot you part. Seize it and let it seize you up aloft even, till your eyes burn out and drop; let your musky flesh fall off in shreds, and let your very bones unhinge and scatter, loosened over fields, over fields and woods, lightly, thoughtless, from any height at all, from as high as eagles.”
If you love this as much as I do, google it and read the whole thing.
Some advice: live deeply, live passionately
Here’s a bit of advice for you. It’s what I’ve learned in the few years I’ve been on this earth, it’s what I’ve come to realize as I’ve started to grow up and up. My advice is:
Live while you’re young. Go out and go wild! Seriously, leave your home, your computer, your iphone and ipad and ipod, and go! Lace up your sneakers and walk out the door. Walk down the stairs and down the streets. Find an adventure. LOOK at the world around you. It’s beautiful, vibrant and alive. It’s there, waiting for you to soak up everything it can possibly offer. We have only minutes left, minutes and hours and years. Believe it or not, it’s a limited amount of time that we have here on earth. Where was I…. Oh yes, go out, down the stairs and down the street. And… Look around at the people. I mean really look at them. Every single solitary person has a story, has a history, has a past. Every single person has a mother and a father, has a childhood, has had heartache and joy, anger and sorrow, happiness and contempt. One of my favorite things to think about as I walk down the street is how each and every person is so enveloped in their own small, little world. Their brains buzzing away, mind chatter. They’re thinking about where they’re going, who they’re seeing, and what they’ve done. They’re worrying about this, they’re regretting that. They’re smiling on the inside because the cute coffee guy flirted with them that morning. Everyone has a story, I’m sure all interesting, all equally epic. I love that.
Ok ok, more advice. One of my most favorite favorite favorite things in the world, is to travel. I love it. Travel to foreign places, the more obscure the better. Don’t plan, just go! Pick a buddy, pick a friend, pick a lover, or pick yourself up and go. Do it for you. Go to Greece, Indonesia, Bolivia and Bali. Tire yourself in endless exploration. It’s exhilarating, it makes you feel so alive. I say, strap on a backpacking backpack, pack a pair of hiking shoes, grab a Lonely Planet guidebook, and book that plane ticket to somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. Make it happen, because we only live once and we’re only young once. Make your time count, this second and the next. Because time is dripping and slipping, leaving and never coming. Traveling is great, you can see history and culture, you can taste flavors that are foreign and far between. You can meet the most sincere and amazing people whose life stories and utterly heart-breaking and inspiring. I’ve met some of the most courageous people abroad, all trying to grow and learn, and most of all, learn about themselves and this world. That’s all there is, really. It’s here and it’s now, and that’s that.
So go out and go wild, look around, look at people, travel, explore, live LOUD and live hard, taste and feel every single thing you’re feeling and never hold back. Live deeply and live oh so passionately. We’re aging, ever so quickly. Recognize that the present is here; take advantage and see your life in the highest regard.
Just some advice, just something I’ve learned and try to live by
sun and grass and wind
The drums are beating. Take a deep breath and exhale. Look up and see the sun. The great ball of fiery wrath. Or beauty. Whatever you’d like, really. Feel the grass, green blades bright, towering over tiny dirt specs. There’s the wind, whipping your hair, natural air into your nostrils.
Where You Stand
“You, from where you are, you cannot see the naked boy
The naked boy holds the camera
You are the naked boy before the camera
Or you are here and you are imagining the naked boy
This is not a dream and this is not a dream relationship
The boy wants to touch you
You are the other boy
The city is far away up in flames.
We’ve come a long way to be here
We said we wanted to get away from it all, but when we arrived in this place, it was all still here
It traveled with us
The histories, the bookmarks are part of your body
So all that you are is where you stand
Naked and getting more naked
A weight without weapons, a body of work
You stand at the edge of the rest of your life. This is what you stand for.
The boy stands with you, beside you, before you. The boy is the life you stand before and you are the boy standing at the edge
Stand by me. Stand by me.”
-Chris Goode
For a moment the earth has slowed down, the mind settles, and all that matters are deep breaths of pure, cold air.
I imagine I’m sitting at a cafe, under an awning. It’s raining. It’s night. I’m just sitting there, breathing in that clean, crisp smell. The water falls on cobblestone roads, as the yellow streetlights reflect across the pavement.
It’s a quiet rain. A heavy mist.
It seems like everything is calm, for a moment. For a moment the earth has slowed down, the mind settles, and all that matters are deep breaths of pure, cold air.
You have yourself. So have yourself. Be yourself.
you know… it’s about a lot. and this might just be bullshit, but hey who knows, it might be true…
today, i just feel like writing, and i just feel like there might be someone listening. I feel like, if anything, I could be listening! I will listen. listen up self.
it’s about a lot. life, i mean. life’s about a lot, and it’s about realizing that life’s not short. LIFE IS LONG. Life is long, and hard, and beautiful, and tough, and crazy, and at the end, we may want more. I mean, quenching a thirst for life, I don’t think that even exists- you gotta want more and more, and at the end, you feel like wow, it’s done. life’s done? i mean…. really? how can that be? And i hope that once i get to that point, when I’m saying Wow, life’s done, and this is done, i hope that… well i hope that i had a great one. One that i can be happy with, and feel fulfilled. Not financially, or professionally, or superficially… but internally, and simply happy. content with what i’ve become. content with what has happened.
Life is long. and… while i fear a lot… i fear that everything won’t happen for me… i fear that i made mistakes.. i fear that i won’t have enough time… i have to believe that it will happen for me, and that while i have made mistakes, there is time and it will happen. it will come.
It will come. Will it come? I think we have to believe that it will. I think there is no other way to live. Because to live in fear, doubt, and frustration… well that’s no way to live. Oh sure, fleeting doubt and fear, it comes, but it should go. let it go.
Let it go. And hold onto hope, and believe that it will come. Because, if anything, trust in the fact that you have yourself, if nothing else, and if no one else, you have yourself. And that’s special. That’s unique, and undeniable. That’s remarkable, and no one can take that away from you, even after it’s all over. Even after death, you have yourself.
You have yourself. So have yourself. Be yourself. Be honest with yourself. Because in the end, things break, people leave, and the world turns- and if there is nothing left, nothing at all, you have you. You have you, and that’s remarkable. So trust in yourself, trust in life, trust in promise, trust in the human condition, trust in you that: it’s about a lot, and while life is long, it will come. So let it go because you have yourself. Undeniably.
Why do we get to be?
Fragments. Fragmented, cut up, broken. It’s what we know. These sharp shards of all that we know sit in our minds, and somehow we cope. I mean I don’t really get it… I don’t get how I can live in this world, and accept that I don’t, and will never understand everything. I don’t get how I can live in this world, and walk the same paths, and do the same things, and see the same people, and not understand everything. Honestly.
We come into this world, a screaming pink ball, so angry that we had to come out of that comfort place, that beautiful warm womb. We come into this world, and are expected to adapt. And grow. And accept. Accept all that we see, and all that is, we must accept it because it is here, and it is real, as real as we know. And because it is here and because we can see it, touch it, feel it, it is real, and that’s all that matters. So we live in this world.
We live with these fragments. Fragments of what life is. Fragments of what “human” means. Fragments of a higher power that is all knowning. Fragments of an eternalness of it all. Fragments of the universe that we somehow, somehow are a part of, without even acknowledging it, we are, we are a part of it. Fundamentally, and essentially. It is unquestioning. Right? Maybe.
I just don’t get it. I mean, I get that there is life, and there is us, because I am here, at least in this moment I think I am, and I think that’s good enough to acknowledge that this is true. Right now is happening, at least we think it is. But, in essence, what does it matter if it truly is or isn’t. Because thought, and agreement that what is, IS, well that makes things real. And so I am sitting here, real. I am real, and you are real, and we are living in this world together, as we imagine it and percieve it, and how we see it makes it how it is, because that is all we know. And so we sit here, together, in this world, seeing, living, breathing, and nothing.
No questions. No demands for answers! NOTHING! I don’t get it! I don’t get how people are just “OK” with this. This reality- people accept it, undeniably. As if this is real, because it is what we know. There is no questioning. None. There is no question about why! There are no questions about us, and the universe, and where we come from- where these personalities, and thoughts, these complex and unique thoughts come from. Sure, from DNA, from genes, from biology, but why? Why do we have capabilities to be? To be freely thinking and moving? Why do we get to be?
Why do we get to be?
I guess that’s the question right there. And, if we get to be, and I think most would agree, at least those who are, that we are, right now, right here, we are. And if we are, and we get to be, and maybe it’s this wonderful gift, maybe it’s a mistake, maybe it just is, then why do we get to die? Why do we have to die? Why do we get to live and get to die- it should be really one or the other. But then again, who I am to say what things “should” be like. Haha, it’s comical really, to think that we can suggest how things “should” be, when we have no control over how things are. We are just thrown into this reality, and are expected to accept it, and to just be “ok” with the fact that we get to live and we get to die.
So why do we get to be? And why do we get to die?
a random 15
I like the smell of hot milk.
I love sleeping in soft beds.
I think I’m a sincere person.
I like to sit in the front of the bus so I can see the road.
I try to read books that will open my eyes.
I love getting hand-written notes.
I like listening to songs over and over again.
I prefer rainy days.
I think there are people that weave in and out of my life, and I in theirs, where we have never met and may never meet, but somehow we are undeniably connected.
I want an amazing romance.
I like to make eye contact with strangers.
I save random objects and notes I find in a little hidden box.
I write things on money in hopes that they will return to me in years and years.
I look forward to really honest moments.
I sometimes forget to look up at the stars and realize how infinitesimal life is.
A Social Experiment
I’m starting a social experiment to discover how beautifully interconnected I believe the human race truly is! Please visit my new page: reveal your story.
Send me your life stories, or events and moments you experienced that were life-changing, inspiring, and revolutionized your view on life.
I am sure that I as well and many others will benefit from reading your story, so please send them to revealyourstory@gmail.com
a stomach-churning crunch
It’s haunting really. Those fleeting thoughts, that come so quickly they stop your heart. Like suddenly falling flat, with your nose crashing into the ground in a stomach-churning crunch, blood flowing ruby red and tears well so quick you can’t hold back. And you turn over and just lay there, hands scrapped and cheeks flushed. Sprawled, feeling like shit, and peering up into the dull gray fog.
You get angry, with a furrowed brow, and you wonder why the world is so fucking black. Why the hell you got these cards. What the hell did you do wrong? And you wonder when! You wonder when the hell things will change, when things will be better on this barren earth. God, there is so much corruption, so much violence, so many men that die. How can I not help but to look at all that is bad, it stares me in the eye, clouds my vision. Men die for words, for WORDS. But, what’s more disturbing, men kill because of words. Men kill because of disputes about whose God is right, whose God is good. Oh god, people die, millions of people die.
Understand that I’m not utterly devestated that people die because of violence, because of unjustice, because of wars, but I’m am utterly broken because people die. That simple, simple fact. People die, prematurely and without satisfaction, without achieving passions, without loving, without knowing, without accepting a fate.
This fleeting thought, it hits me so hard some days. It hits me so fucking hard, that I can’t help but to buckle and cry and scream and clench my fists and pound my hands on the hard ground until they are red, until my spirit breaks. Death represents such an end, such a permanent end to my life. Not in a biological sense, but an end to me. An end. An end to the my thoughts, to my world, to my universe. At my end, the universe stops, it simply stops and that is so inconcievable. It might as well have not existed, it might as well have not been. I don’t know when I’ll be able to accept this, I don’t know if I ever will- it scares the shit out of me, and I can’t face it without feeling such honest terror. Where will I be when there world stops, the sun never rises again, the moon never shines once more, the heart putters to a stand still and all that’s left is silence, deafening silence. When will I take my last breath, take my last step, feel my last inch perish. oh god.
even though I don’t know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.
I deeply connect with Valerie’s message in V for Vendetta: “Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free….. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. Valerie.”
Kayak Catharsis
Today I went kayaking. Random, I know. And much out of the ordinary! When my friend asked me to go, I was unsure, nervous about doing something that wasn’t programmed into my day-to-day summer routine. But, I decided I was going to start tip toeing out of my comfort zone; I decided I needed different, and if anything, this could potentially be great exercise.
So, we strapped the kayaks onto my friend’s car and headed out to the river. On the way, I kept thinking, I hope I don’t fall into the water… I hope I remember how to kayak—it had been so long since I had. But, once we got there, and lugged those heavy boats into the water, I was excited. I was, for once, happy to be outside, in the sunshine, on the water, with swans, insects, and balls of slimy algae. It was great! I was in nature, and ready for all it had to offer me. At least I thought I was ready…
My friend, much more muscular and experienced with kayaking, easily passed me with her quick and smooth strokes. I struggled to keep up, often drifting off to the side or colliding with her kayak. But, going downstream, with the wind behind us, kayaking wasn’t so bad. It was fun, as I peered through my tinted sunglasses at the buzzing life that infested the banks, and at the blue sky complete with a sparkling sun. Even while my arms started whining, I continued, not ready to let anything to ruin my time.
When we decided to turn around, I began to worry a bit. I thought we had travelled quite a distance, and I thought it would take a while to get back. But I had no idea! I soon realized that my good friend the wind, who easily pushed me downstream, became my greatest foe. Ugh! I began to paddle—hard too. It seemed I was either going ant speed, or not moving at all. And if I stopped for a few seconds, to rest my now aching arms, the winds were determined to undo the little progress I managed to achieve. And, as to be expected, my friend paddled strongly and quickly upstream, appearing to be unfazed by the wind factor. While she began to disappear and as I struggled to move forward at all, she would look back and urge me to catch up. Humph! As if I could if I wanted to!
We travelled like this—she stayed what seemed like miles ahead, while I busted my butt to move forward at an extremely, excruciatingly slow pace. All the while, I kept getting wet! Water drops fell off the paddles and onto my sleeves and pants, basically drenching me. Every stroke I took, water would hit my face—another sting to make me feel more and more defeated as time went on. I wanted to stop paddling so badly! My arms were sore, the winds had turned on me, nature didn’t look so glorious anymore, and my all-too-experienced friend made me seem slow and inadequate.
But then I thought, this river was so similar to my life in so many ways. At times, I’ve felt like I was going up stream without a paddle (though I had one here, so I guess this cliché doesn’t really work). But, there are a lot of negative things in my life holding me down, pushing me back, and not allowing me to reach for my full potential. This river was doing the same thing! Not only was it not letting me get back to the warmth of the car, but it was also throwing every deterrent it could at me- be it wind, waves, or water. And so, I suddenly felt the urge to overcome this sucker! I wanted to conquer it, and prove to myself that I could finish this, and I could overcome anything in my life as well, however hard it may be.
I sat up, took a deep breath, and dug my paddle into murky water, determined. And I continued by snail speed, once stroke at a time, oblivious to the water splashing all over me. Finally, after a loooong time and a lot of effort, I saw the dock! I pushed forward with more force- even increasing my speed a bit! When I made it, I was relieved! Yes! I had made it, I had it in me to finish! Woo Hoo! And I got a great arm workout at the same time.
Today was a good day.
Revitalization's Weblog 