Revitalization's Weblog
For the curious, questioning, and wandering soulArchive for Air
today i can
today I can stretch. today I can pull my hands up over my head and stretch- a good, long, nice stretch. today I can fall back into white pillows, softly smiling. today i can look through the blinds, and let the sun pour on my cheek. today I can breathe deep as my eyes flutter happily. today i can
I think there is a handful, maybe a few, maybe three people in the world who don’t give a damn. I want to be one of those three.
broken record time…
I really don’t believe life is hard for all humans, I think some just live. I think some people just do what they think is good, and well, and right. I think people live this way. A lot of people. And I mean A LOT. And, at the same time, I think there are few who don’t live right, and good, and well. I think there is a handful, maybe a few, maybe there’s three… three people in the entire world who don’t give a damn. I want to be one of those three.
Those three people… they’ve struggled, and fought, and screamed, and cried, and clenched, and tore, and raged, and stepped up to the edge, and dove. And they plummeted, and gaining speed, faster and faster, with blurring images wipping by, and they crashed. CRASHED. Into … truth… the kind of truth that is universal in a literal sense- truth that resonates throughout the universe. God, how euphoric.
Why do we get to be?
Fragments. Fragmented, cut up, broken. It’s what we know. These sharp shards of all that we know sit in our minds, and somehow we cope. I mean I don’t really get it… I don’t get how I can live in this world, and accept that I don’t, and will never understand everything. I don’t get how I can live in this world, and walk the same paths, and do the same things, and see the same people, and not understand everything. Honestly.
We come into this world, a screaming pink ball, so angry that we had to come out of that comfort place, that beautiful warm womb. We come into this world, and are expected to adapt. And grow. And accept. Accept all that we see, and all that is, we must accept it because it is here, and it is real, as real as we know. And because it is here and because we can see it, touch it, feel it, it is real, and that’s all that matters. So we live in this world.
We live with these fragments. Fragments of what life is. Fragments of what “human” means. Fragments of a higher power that is all knowning. Fragments of an eternalness of it all. Fragments of the universe that we somehow, somehow are a part of, without even acknowledging it, we are, we are a part of it. Fundamentally, and essentially. It is unquestioning. Right? Maybe.
I just don’t get it. I mean, I get that there is life, and there is us, because I am here, at least in this moment I think I am, and I think that’s good enough to acknowledge that this is true. Right now is happening, at least we think it is. But, in essence, what does it matter if it truly is or isn’t. Because thought, and agreement that what is, IS, well that makes things real. And so I am sitting here, real. I am real, and you are real, and we are living in this world together, as we imagine it and percieve it, and how we see it makes it how it is, because that is all we know. And so we sit here, together, in this world, seeing, living, breathing, and nothing.
No questions. No demands for answers! NOTHING! I don’t get it! I don’t get how people are just “OK” with this. This reality- people accept it, undeniably. As if this is real, because it is what we know. There is no questioning. None. There is no question about why! There are no questions about us, and the universe, and where we come from- where these personalities, and thoughts, these complex and unique thoughts come from. Sure, from DNA, from genes, from biology, but why? Why do we have capabilities to be? To be freely thinking and moving? Why do we get to be?
Why do we get to be?
I guess that’s the question right there. And, if we get to be, and I think most would agree, at least those who are, that we are, right now, right here, we are. And if we are, and we get to be, and maybe it’s this wonderful gift, maybe it’s a mistake, maybe it just is, then why do we get to die? Why do we have to die? Why do we get to live and get to die- it should be really one or the other. But then again, who I am to say what things “should” be like. Haha, it’s comical really, to think that we can suggest how things “should” be, when we have no control over how things are. We are just thrown into this reality, and are expected to accept it, and to just be “ok” with the fact that we get to live and we get to die.
So why do we get to be? And why do we get to die?
I love your comments, really, I do!
I just wanted to thank everyone who comments on my posts. I truly appreciate it, whether it’s positive or negative. Just hearing that some people relate to what I write, or gain something, it makes me feel glad.
You know, I used to struggle, wondering if I should really be blogging. I wasn’t sure if I wanted everyone to know my thoughts, my beliefs… I didn’t want to express myself in such a way…and I didn’t want others to quickly take my beliefs and values as theirs, because they are mine, only mine. I knew that I certainly didn’t want people to know my on the exterior. My name, my height, my face, etc. etc. But, I find it interesting that I’m able to be more open with strangers, than I am with the people I am close to. So, I guess I finaly chose to share my thoughts and beliefs, my little mindthings, my dreams and hopes…. and now, I find myself enjoying what other people think about my thoughts
Diaries of a Vagabond
I sit here, listening to some sad music, putting me in the mood, urging me to write pitiful words. Hah. The hairs stand on my arms, my eyes ache. I love the violins, the sad sad violins.
Just BREAK me down! I am starting to crave it—just an earth-shattering blow to my world. Break it into one trillion pieces, break crack rip smash. Oh what I would give to…. To move, to start again and again and again. It gets so boring. One life, one way of life, I’m tired. Turn it upside down, shake my shoulders. Am I seriously the only one? The only one who is bored, bored of this, of doing this, again and again. Eat, sleep, gym, study, work, play. How utterly dull, such monotony.
I don’t know how to do it, I don’t think I’m big enough to take the step. I don’t think I could do it to myself- change it all, just leave it all behind. Really, if I just picked up and left. Stepped onto a bus, and went. Got onto a plane, and left. Just left. I mean I don’t know if…. Hmm……vagabond
My shine is wearing off. Like an old penny, covered in age. The glisten in my eye is dimming, the light in my pulsing heart flickers. Maybe reality is setting in, and I am hearing. I am seeing what ‘to be human’ really means. I’m seeing agony, I’m seeing heartbreak……………I’m seeing fear….. helplessness.
I can see it in strangers’ eyes. I see how much it hurts.
But we get by, because that’s all we know. And so we shuffle along, and keep treading water and we make a little life, surround ourselves with material comforts, and try to forget, plug our ears and close our eyes shut tight, and just block out what we don’t want to hear, what we don’t want to realize is so true.
And I see myself… I can see myself on this path, on this specific road, going down the ignorant road. Is it so wrong that I want something different for myself, for me, is it so wrong that I want something great? So just give me an earth-shattering blow and break me down into one trillion pieces so I can wake up and start again, so I can try again………. I just need to try again….let me try again
a random 15
I like the smell of hot milk.
I love sleeping in soft beds.
I think I’m a sincere person.
I like to sit in the front of the bus so I can see the road.
I try to read books that will open my eyes.
I love getting hand-written notes.
I like listening to songs over and over again.
I prefer rainy days.
I think there are people that weave in and out of my life, and I in theirs, where we have never met and may never meet, but somehow we are undeniably connected.
I want an amazing romance.
I like to make eye contact with strangers.
I save random objects and notes I find in a little hidden box.
I write things on money in hopes that they will return to me in years and years.
I look forward to really honest moments.
I sometimes forget to look up at the stars and realize how infinitesimal life is.
A Social Experiment
I’m starting a social experiment to discover how beautifully interconnected I believe the human race truly is! Please visit my new page: reveal your story.
Send me your life stories, or events and moments you experienced that were life-changing, inspiring, and revolutionized your view on life.
I am sure that I as well and many others will benefit from reading your story, so please send them to revealyourstory@gmail.com
a stomach-churning crunch
It’s haunting really. Those fleeting thoughts, that come so quickly they stop your heart. Like suddenly falling flat, with your nose crashing into the ground in a stomach-churning crunch, blood flowing ruby red and tears well so quick you can’t hold back. And you turn over and just lay there, hands scrapped and cheeks flushed. Sprawled, feeling like shit, and peering up into the dull gray fog.
You get angry, with a furrowed brow, and you wonder why the world is so fucking black. Why the hell you got these cards. What the hell did you do wrong? And you wonder when! You wonder when the hell things will change, when things will be better on this barren earth. God, there is so much corruption, so much violence, so many men that die. How can I not help but to look at all that is bad, it stares me in the eye, clouds my vision. Men die for words, for WORDS. But, what’s more disturbing, men kill because of words. Men kill because of disputes about whose God is right, whose God is good. Oh god, people die, millions of people die.
Understand that I’m not utterly devestated that people die because of violence, because of unjustice, because of wars, but I’m am utterly broken because people die. That simple, simple fact. People die, prematurely and without satisfaction, without achieving passions, without loving, without knowing, without accepting a fate.
This fleeting thought, it hits me so hard some days. It hits me so fucking hard, that I can’t help but to buckle and cry and scream and clench my fists and pound my hands on the hard ground until they are red, until my spirit breaks. Death represents such an end, such a permanent end to my life. Not in a biological sense, but an end to me. An end. An end to the my thoughts, to my world, to my universe. At my end, the universe stops, it simply stops and that is so inconcievable. It might as well have not existed, it might as well have not been. I don’t know when I’ll be able to accept this, I don’t know if I ever will- it scares the shit out of me, and I can’t face it without feeling such honest terror. Where will I be when there world stops, the sun never rises again, the moon never shines once more, the heart putters to a stand still and all that’s left is silence, deafening silence. When will I take my last breath, take my last step, feel my last inch perish. oh god.
his beautiful face and his beautiful mouth
why the hell not?
I can visualize these things that hold me back, I can see shyness, I can see embarassment, I can see fear, I can see nervousness.
But above all else I can see him. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his beautiful face and his beautiful mouth. I try to catch a quick glimpse, capture a fleeting image.
He’s beautiful, the way he talks, the way he laughs, the way he looks
I think we could be good, great even… and I don’t even know him and I don’t approach him and I watch him leave as my heart follows
I wonder why I can’t have him, why I don’t pursue him, why the hell not?
I’m one day older, one day weaker, one day closer to a final day I’m not ready for
I feel I’ve tainted this blog. It’s pessimistic. It’s just that I’m not in a good place right now. I am so desperate for something beautiful it’s driving me insane. Literally stuck in such sluggish normality. I get frustrated, I get stuck. I feel stuck. I need something different, something good, something really good and new and refreshing and exciting. Something that makes my heart race and my palms sweat. Something that makes me giddy as I bite my lip, trying to hold it in. I want to feel my heart race, I want to feel it accelerate and beat rapid beats. I want to feel my heart.
I hate my timidness, my desperateness. I hate when I shut my mouth, when I choose not to. When I don’t just act, just do what I know I can, could.
I’m not writing well. I used to be better. I used to be inspired and ready. I used to be expressive, open. But, I’ve never really been bold. Never.
I’m afraid what will happen if I’m not. Boldness is tough, it’s like putting yourself out there, in the open, and just being totally honest and truthful it’s completely freshing.
Stop holding back, stop stop stop. Life is ending. You just lived another day. Another day out of your limited days. Another day passed, another day that will never come back. Another chance that slowly swept away.
I’m one day older, one day weaker, one day closer to a final day I’m not ready for.
even though I don’t know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.
I deeply connect with Valerie’s message in V for Vendetta: “Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free….. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. Valerie.”
eyes blurred with tears
I need to feel something real, I feel like I’m skating on this layer of ice, speeding faster and faster, the wind whipping my hair back, and my eyes blurred with tears, I have no control, but I just go, further and faster. And I’m angry, at myself mostly, why would that be? I feel like I’m not trying hard enough, I feel like I’m selling myself short, I’m not opening my heart, I’m utterly failing at being the person I desperately hope to be, this image of a human I sincerely aspire to. Not so sincere I guess…
It’s tough. Life’s tough. This is tough.
God, I see those people. I see them. With their bright auras, so so innocent and whose smiles are true. So true that you couldn’t even try to deny them. I see them.
quick fix, dive downward, plunge
There are hollow walls. The bass is so loud, the drum. Seedy club, sweat and humid breaths.
My fingers curl around my quick fix, my beautiful little vial, my golden escape.
And, the other hand tightens, a fist. I close my eyes and breathe in the night.
Quick quick, tap tap
where can my words take me? I type with my eyes close, and somehow my fingers flitt across the keyboard. They scurry around, trying to find the right words, quick quick, tap tap. Failure is such a bad place to be. I never thought, never imagined myself to fail, fail to some societal idea of what is good or right or correct. I failed, according to you. And I thought, I thought, well I thought I didn’t. I thought, ME, I thought that I wasn’t doing so bad, so so bad that I deserved that, i didn’t think I failed.
I am. And I get the chance to be.
There are just way too many issues to deal with! I am so confused right now, and I just want to let it all go! What the hell. Why the hell not?
Cause I cant, cause I can’t freaking let it all go. I cant give up, and it sucks… I can’t give up on myself, or my goals, or my needs. I can’t, because if I did, if I ever did give up on myself that would be the total end. I can’t give up on myself. I can’t give up on myself. Why? Well, because I’m important to me. I matter, and in this expanisive utterly unimaginably big universe, I matter because I exist. I wasn’t passed up, I was brought to this world some how, some way out of millions of coincidences and utter luck, I was born, at this present time, in this world, on this world. I was brought here, and I have to keeping trying if only for that. If only to appreciate the fact that out of millions and billions of chances, coincidences, instances, where something could have changed the course of everything and everyone, it didn’t! It didn’t, and so I’m here. So I’m not going to pity myself, wallow, or complain. That’s such a waste of time, and I have to see it that way.
Oh sure, it’s healthy to express your emotions. Be sad and furious and angry and mad at the world because for some f-ing reason you got screwed over and they didn’t, you got dealt a bad hand, a bad day, a horrible past, and they didn’t. Sure you think it sucks, and everything sucks, but never never think there’s nothing to live for. Never think that! I will never think that. There is always something to live for- not for my measly biological body, not for someone else, not for society, not for you. Live because you got the chance, you got it.
You. Got. It.
Realize that, that’s such a rare thing. Such a rare thing. Live because there’s something unknown, something much much much much bigger out there, and remember that our society and earth and our perceptions are not always right or true. We’ve created this little home, this little pocket in space time, but there is so much more outside of us, and our ways. Live because life is inspiring.
Life is inspiring. There have been legendary people who have done epic things, and humans have created some of the most beautiful things like art and music. But nothing, nothing, can compare or come close to the beauty of life. Life is such a great thing, and we get to partake. There is life, life exists. There is. I am. We are. And that is so beautiful. That is simply amazing. Simply inspiring.
We are.
I am. And I get the chance to be.
I live, and I won’t give up because I am. And I get to be.
Positive Wellness
In my Public Health class, we talked about Positive Wellness, and I found the various definitions extremely true and close to what I try to do in my life:
Positive Wellness:
1. Ability to cope with everyday stresses
2. A sense of accomplishment and growth
3. Contentment or happiness
4. The desire for a better life for you and for others
5. The ability to express yourself creatively
6. Feeling that life is worth living
7. Responsibility for oneself- exercising, eating right, etc.
8. Feeling empowered
Little mental dreamthings
I can’t help it. I can’t help but look forward, to the future, to a better time where I’m more stable, happier, more confident, a better person; some place and time where I can appreciate life more than I am right now. I realize I have a lot of growing to do- I still haven’t found all the answers.. and I know this because of the way I act, the way I think, the things I do that I know are slightly wrong, or silly, or not right. But I wonder if that day will ever come- that day when I have all the qualities I dream up, the person I’m “supposed” to be… I consider it may be a perpetual quest.
And I can’t wait for the opportunities! I literally can’t wait- I want to do it all, and right now! I want to have it ALL. They tell me to wait, “your day will come,” you’re too young now, you’ll have time for that… but that’s just it, I might not… I might not have time, I can’t see the future and I don’t want to be living for that hazy futuristic time where I may, somehow, if the time is right, and if I’m old enough, and if I have enough money, and if I’m in the right place… I don’t want to wait for that day. I know, I want a lot. I want to do it now! I want to experience it now- all that life has to offer, I want it all- I want to travel, really travel and immerse myself in somewhere so different, I want to love (clearly I haven’t done that enough), love so purely and without fear! I’m so ready, and I’m anxious!
Oh the things I want to do, the things I dream up, my little mental dreamthings…
Improving
So this new attitude thing- it’s working! I’ve had some really good days, some of the best this summer. I’ve been trying to approach people, and be approachable, friendly, and open! Now, how to approach guys…hmm…any suggestions?
Kiss me! Or I’ll pounce
I have the strongest desire to grab the next semi-good –looking guy I see, and kiss him on the mouth. I am so stir-crazy, it’s ridiculous! I find myself fantasizing about the guys I see around- the guy at the bookstore who I made small talk with, the guy at the mall who I made I contact with (multiple times), the guy at work who I desperately want to meet. I want a guy NOW!
Before, I would criticize myself on my faults: my semi-pooch of a belly, my little love handles, my short torso…etc. etc., thinking that these are the reasons guys don’t like me, thinking that my lack of perfection was my utter downfall. But now I realize the only thing I can criticize is my lack of boldness! I need to meet guys, be out-going, talkative, and myself- mostly be myself! I need to stop bottling up, and be approachable, and approach people!
So that’s what I’m going to do. From now on, I’m going to focus on the positives, be myself- unyieldingly and get a guy! Hah!
I don’t find a guy soon, I might blow up or just pounce on the next guy coming my way!
I want to LIVE before I die
Life is a funny thing. We get so involved in trying to persist, trying to last another day, trying to keep up with work, a social life, a love life, personal hobbies etc. We get so wrapped up in our daily little lives—And we forget to live. Please understand me when I say “live” not in the sense of living, breathing, or surviving. But truly living—I feel only a few have accomplished this. This sense of trying to learn for the sake of knowledge, trying to strive for something much greater, trying to be so much better, trying to find some sort of meaning that would justify it all. This idea of appreciating, on a much deeper level, the earth, the wind, the human condition. Viewing life, not as a curse, or something to just “live” through, struggle through, detesting any hardships and indulging in guilty desires. Viewing life as an opportunity, a chance that may never, ever come again, a chance that only happens once, and only happens for a few. The lucky few, living right now, in this moment, in this moment.
Oh! I want to live my life like this. Appreciating so deeply, and valuing my life to the extent that it would be unfathomable to waste a day, an hour, a single second. Packing my every moment of existence with meaningful experiences—viewing the world in all its glory, having worthy relationships with people, and being a true, independent, peaceful person. I want all of this! I want love, I want to travel to see it all—poverty, decay, wealth, and the avant-garde, I want meaning, I want to enjoy everyday, I want to be the person I conjure up in my head, I want to be proud of what I have become, and the morals I live by. Oh! I dread mediocrity, completely!
And when I die, when we all die, I want to be Okay. I want to be able to say, truthfully, that I have fulfilled all I ever dreamed in my lifetime, without major regrets. That I was bold, confident, beautiful, and brought meaning into my life. But, as it is right now, I’m terrified of death, of what it means literally, what it represents. An end, complete and blunt. No second chances…not one. It surprises me how, some days, I’m so ignorant to the death, creeping slowly. Maybe it’s some subconscious fear, maybe I force myself not to imagine it, therefore making it nonexistent for a day, or a week. But it always pops up, it always returns. I hate it, I hate having to accept it, undeniably, because whether I like it or not, it’ll happen—so when it does, I want to be Okay. I feel those who have terminal diseases get to stare into death’s haunting face much more often, and therefore get to live (in the true sense) deeper and truer. But, in essence, we are all terminal and we all going to die. So, I need to try to live, each day, staring into death’s terrifying eyes, forcing myself to be better, and get the most and best out of life.
I want to LIVE before I die. I want a lot.
Kayak Catharsis
Today I went kayaking. Random, I know. And much out of the ordinary! When my friend asked me to go, I was unsure, nervous about doing something that wasn’t programmed into my day-to-day summer routine. But, I decided I was going to start tip toeing out of my comfort zone; I decided I needed different, and if anything, this could potentially be great exercise.
So, we strapped the kayaks onto my friend’s car and headed out to the river. On the way, I kept thinking, I hope I don’t fall into the water… I hope I remember how to kayak—it had been so long since I had. But, once we got there, and lugged those heavy boats into the water, I was excited. I was, for once, happy to be outside, in the sunshine, on the water, with swans, insects, and balls of slimy algae. It was great! I was in nature, and ready for all it had to offer me. At least I thought I was ready…
My friend, much more muscular and experienced with kayaking, easily passed me with her quick and smooth strokes. I struggled to keep up, often drifting off to the side or colliding with her kayak. But, going downstream, with the wind behind us, kayaking wasn’t so bad. It was fun, as I peered through my tinted sunglasses at the buzzing life that infested the banks, and at the blue sky complete with a sparkling sun. Even while my arms started whining, I continued, not ready to let anything to ruin my time.
When we decided to turn around, I began to worry a bit. I thought we had travelled quite a distance, and I thought it would take a while to get back. But I had no idea! I soon realized that my good friend the wind, who easily pushed me downstream, became my greatest foe. Ugh! I began to paddle—hard too. It seemed I was either going ant speed, or not moving at all. And if I stopped for a few seconds, to rest my now aching arms, the winds were determined to undo the little progress I managed to achieve. And, as to be expected, my friend paddled strongly and quickly upstream, appearing to be unfazed by the wind factor. While she began to disappear and as I struggled to move forward at all, she would look back and urge me to catch up. Humph! As if I could if I wanted to!
We travelled like this—she stayed what seemed like miles ahead, while I busted my butt to move forward at an extremely, excruciatingly slow pace. All the while, I kept getting wet! Water drops fell off the paddles and onto my sleeves and pants, basically drenching me. Every stroke I took, water would hit my face—another sting to make me feel more and more defeated as time went on. I wanted to stop paddling so badly! My arms were sore, the winds had turned on me, nature didn’t look so glorious anymore, and my all-too-experienced friend made me seem slow and inadequate.
But then I thought, this river was so similar to my life in so many ways. At times, I’ve felt like I was going up stream without a paddle (though I had one here, so I guess this cliché doesn’t really work). But, there are a lot of negative things in my life holding me down, pushing me back, and not allowing me to reach for my full potential. This river was doing the same thing! Not only was it not letting me get back to the warmth of the car, but it was also throwing every deterrent it could at me- be it wind, waves, or water. And so, I suddenly felt the urge to overcome this sucker! I wanted to conquer it, and prove to myself that I could finish this, and I could overcome anything in my life as well, however hard it may be.
I sat up, took a deep breath, and dug my paddle into murky water, determined. And I continued by snail speed, once stroke at a time, oblivious to the water splashing all over me. Finally, after a loooong time and a lot of effort, I saw the dock! I pushed forward with more force- even increasing my speed a bit! When I made it, I was relieved! Yes! I had made it, I had it in me to finish! Woo Hoo! And I got a great arm workout at the same time.
Today was a good day.
Do ugly people find love?
I want to be in love! I love the idea of a boyfriend, of dating, of connecting with someone romantically… I so want it! SO BAD! It seems like everyone around me seems to find guys easily, as if it happens daily, no effort needed, it just happens. Seriously, it just happens for people! I don’t know how… maybe there is some truth in the idea of destiny, but destiny has left me in the dust as you can probably guess by now! Those people who find their soulmates on the subway, or waiting in line at Starbucks! I want that! That would be great, I’m so open to meeting someone randomly, and making a great connection. But, as it happens, it doesn’t. Maybe I’m too shy, too introverted, not confident enough… Maybe it’s hard for me because my self-esteem is pretty low…
Please understand, I’m not saying I want gorgeous men! Model types, who have abs and perfect teeth. I want a caring, funny, and just all-around great guy. In my past… well, there’s just not much boy-attention that I can recall… the only major thing that’s happened was when I went to the Dominican Republic, met a guy, we liked each other, we hung out and flirted, but that’s it. I left, and I’m sure he’s moved on!, Other than that, I have had crushes since elementary school… on SO many guys, too many to count! Ha. I guess had better luck in my younger days than now… I find that very sad…
I crave so much more, I really want to find someone great. I don’t know how girls do it—those girls who have boyfriends constantly—they seem to fall in their laps.. And I’m not talking about gorgeous girls, but normal girls who have boys, a lot of boys… One of my great friends has had so many guys, has slept with guys both young and old, and has found her soulmate—did I mention we’re the same age?! She’s so lucky, and I’m really jealous of her for that… Maybe it’s my personality, I’ve really changed, and gotten so self-conscious, probably because of the lack of attention from guys. I am always trying to slim down, making myself think that I’ll be more beautiful, confident and outgoing if I’m comfortable with my body. That I’ll be happier once I lose weight, I’ll have more friends, and meet more people… I know it’s all about attitude, but it’s getting harder and harder to make genuine connections with people. I’ve gotten shy, self-conscious, depressed from lack of lovin’ and attention.
So it’s summer now. Lack of excitement, of different people, of LIVING… this summer is seriously sucking! I feel uninspired to do and to go out,.. It breaks my heart, and this is what I hope to avoid—spending one day of my life wasted.. I seem to be doing that a lot these days… I think about food/calories way too much… and try to go to the gym as often as I can… I have this theory that if I live it right, if I live life right—with confidence, self-esteem, power, awareness, presence, knowledge… etc. then good things WILL happen to me. I’ve heard that when you decide and open yourself to love, love finds you… And so I have to try, step out of my comfort zone (a stifling and suffering little suffocation box of a zone) and really try. I need to realize that every day, the people I meet and the things I can CHOOSE to do will never come back; that if I don’t act, all I’ll be left with is a big ‘ol bucket of regret. I need to take advantage of the people around me, and the people I meet. Above all, I truly desire finding someone… finding LOVE asap! I’ve made this my new goal… so far, no luck.
(Oh- and to all the guys who are reading this! Please know, that shy and not-so-pretty girls also crave attention from you all just as much as the gorgeous bombshell model types. Most girls like to be pursued (like me), so guys, be BOLD, and ask us OUT!)
It’s been a while…
It’s been a while and I’m still trying to figure things out… still trying to find love, still searching for myself, still hoping to stand confident…
I love these lyrics:
“I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own…
It was the wicked and wild win
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn’t believe what I’d become…”
-Viva la Vida, Coldplay
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